This morning, I cooked my tradtitional omlet to borderline perfection making sure it was tender in all the right spots. You know it's gonna be a good omlet when you don't flip it out of the pan ;) I require a man who can cook an omlet equally as satisfying or who knows how to cook the shit out of a pan in a different way. Whatever comes out of that pan better be frickin' mouth-watering. My future Indian husband will be able to cook an egg any way I please while dancing to his Bollywood beats. He will also be smelling like a dead-sexy Sutlan. "Sultan of the Egg" I shall call him. But I knew while devouring this breakfast-for- champions that today was indeed going to be a good day. And it was.
Today, July 29th at 3:40, is a day I shall never forget.
I made it to the bus without burning my feet and was fortunate enough to have a familiar face sit next to me. His name is Colton, he will be freshmen at the U of O, and has a beard fit for a caveman. Sweet kid but he needs to be introduced to a shaver. asap
As we were talking, waiting to depart from the friendly Eugene bus station, a female security guard about the size of a defensive linemen made an appearance aboard the little Veneta bus. I was intrigued and just stared. I was just waiting for her to sit down and pull out a doughnut, twinkie, or something similar that she'd inhale with great pleasure. But no. This large mass of authority was not to be reckoned with and I didn't feel like getting eaten. She stomped down the ailse creating a mini earthquake that could not be ignored and I continued to watch this scene enfold. She was on a mission.
Security Officer Butch approached an elderly, questionable- looking woman at the back of the bus and demanded that she'd come with her so as to answer a few "questions." I feared for the elderly woman's safety but soon realized she was a twig old lady and that no one would waste calories on eatin' that. Phew.
The two of them marched outside and Officer Butch just began to yell at this poor woman. Us passengers did not have the slightest clue what she could have done. We all took guesses: shoplifting, jay-walking, drunk, crack-cocaine? But alas, none of us were even close as to why Butch wrote her a ticket.
I had to find out. So as soon as little old woman came back on the bus holding her newly won ticket-fine, I eased-dropped on the conversation she had with a nearby passenger. The dialogue went something like this,
Passenger: What the hell was that all about? Are you ok? What happened?
Old Woman: Well, funny story you see. I kind of did something I wasn't suppose to. I couldn't help it though. It just happened and I had no control. I had a little accident on a bench over there. A poop accident. And I left it. They had to bag it [shit] up and apparently it's illegal to do stuff like that...on a bench.
Passenger: Oh....so you pooped on a bench? And they wrote you a ticket?
Old Woman: Yes. I just had an accident on a bench. That's all.
I was in shock and so was the man next to her because he stood up and decided to sit at the front of the bus far, far away from the out-of-control-pooping lady.
This old woman just shitted on a bench and just left it. A little, "harmless" present for all to treasure. I could not believe it.
How did she do that?! Did she have a little flap on her ass she could unbutton so she could just "drop a hott one" anytime she pleased? Where can I get one? Was anybody sitting next to her on this unfortunate bench?
I know it's a huge fine if you just leave your dog shit on public property so I can't even imagine how much that woman's own shit cost her. A shit-load. That's how much. ha. She should of at least had the decency to bag it up and throw that away in the nearest trash recepticle. That's why you always should keep a zip-loc on ya ;) Question: can one recycle one's shit? In Eugene, I would say so.
I have never encountered shit of any kind (with the exception of birdshit) on a bench and I realize now how lucky I am for this. I warn all my "many" readers that please look before you sit because it could be very well be shit.
Today was definitely the best day of my life.
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