Deflated Tubes

"I laugh in the name of danger." This is quoted from the beloved children's classic, "The Lion King." After Simba spits this out with unwavering confidence, I thought he was such a badass. Ever since that movie, I too, have longed for a moment where I could laugh and scoff at danger. "Being a badass" is actually on my list of things to do. I occassionally try to succeed at this by wearing my bright pink du-rag from time to time or my blinding grill. Depends on my mood. The response I receive however is never one of fear but one of disbelief. Laughter, to put it simply. But today, I had my chance, my time to shine. I will never try to be a badass again.My sister and I decided that floating down the Willamette River would be a "fun" idea and we ventured on this adventure with our lifelong friends, the Cauthorns.I am something close to a genius and blew up an enormous purple innertube designed to be pulled by a boat. I definitely gloated in my brilliance the whole way down the river...for a while.My genius of a sister however, purchased 6 small "flower innertubes" for herself and for some of the poor, unsuspecting Cauthorn boys. These midget tubes could barely fit over a human skull nonetheless a waist. They were $2 each from WalMart and I still believe she overpaid for these shit floaties. The Cauthorns basically said "Screw That" and went back to grab some rubber rafts from their house. Brittany took advantage of the extra "flower innertubes" and put one over each limb. This somehow kept her afloat ...with the exception of her ass dragging as the anchor. Nothing a little Neosporin can't fix. Brittany's butt has been through a lot of these similar situations. The blessings of a huge ass I guess. All that padding is good for somethin.'I made sure my butt however remained dry and I was loving life. I couldn't help but feel like such a badass floatin' down this river with "no worries about a thing." Our guide though, Luc, didn't have a plan on how to get out of this river though. shit.The Willamette River is full of deadly currents and protruding sticks and rocks. It's a miracle we all survived.We climbed onto some random shoreline and hoped for an exit to the road. After walking through bushes and shrubs full of thorns, we decided we'd have to float down the roaring rapids a little farther and latch onto the sharp rocks. I was done at this point and my tube was essentially deflated...along with my badass ego. This was not going to be fun in any way, shape, or form.We started floating and I lost my beloved right flip-flop in the process but we somehow latched onto the rocks, cutting my precious foot. We climbed the sharp rocks with our deflated floaties and never looked back.On a side note, I now know why shoes are the most important possession if the world should enter an apocalypse of some sort. Because feet are the most SENSITIVE part of the freaking human body. I proceeded to cut and burn my feet again. Well, just my right foot that is.This river trip was definitely a once-in-a-lifetime-experience. When I wish to feel like a badass, I am simply sticking to my du-rag. Watch out.