Smelliest Road Trip Ever

We were told that we’d depart and begin our journey-of-a-lifetime around 2:00 am but I was a dumbass and did not believe my mother's bold statement. I decided to finally hit the sheets around 1:45 am. Biggest mistake of my life.

As soon as I fall asleep, my long, lost sister from North Dakota jumps on my head. Not the most ideal way to be woken up, but most effective. I slowly take a peek at my clock praying, hoping it’s not what time I think it is… 2:30 am. Half an hour of sleep. This was going to be the longest road trip of my life.

For the Cochran clan, the beginning of every road trip carries the most commotion for this is when every one fights over the “prime” seats in our huge-ass 14-seater van. I came out to the van last and thereby sat in the last/worst seat available. Joy.

We actually, miraculously left the house at 3:00am and I struggled to make my seat comfortable. I ended up crouching in the fetal position and fell asleep due to complete exhaustion. I woke up two hours later, however, because of an excruciating ache in my left shin. Yvonne’s amazon-like legs had been crushing it and my shin could not withstand their weight any longer. I crouched even tighter due to agony but had difficulty falling asleep this time; for some unfortunate reason, half my siblings could not and would not stop farting. Not only were they loud, but they were deadly. I cannot even begin to describe the stench that travelled from my siblings’ asses. I am still thanking God till this day that my seat was by the window and that I was able to open it when need be, which was like every twenty minutes. I believe that window was the only way I survived those twenty hours.

To my prediction, we stopped at least every two hours for potty breaks because Kevin Jr.’s bladder is the size of a golf ball. But despite the number of stops we made and the number of farts passed, we somehow made it to our destination here at World Mark, San Diego. I can only pray that the trip home be nothing remotely similar.

SeaWorld, Universal Studios, and Disneyland are not and never will be ready for us.

Here we come.