The Stare of Death

Last weekend, I attended the University of Oregon football game VS. the PSU Vikings with the Polish Beauty Weronika. Not only did I witness a complete slaughter (My apologies Vikings, or as the game program would tactfully say, Pilots), but I witnessed a stare that will forever send chills down my spine. A stare that will forever be engraved in my memory and serve only to haunt me in my nightmares. Fortunately, the stare was not meant for me, but for the lovely Miss W.

The stare-down occurred right after half-time as the Ducks were heading back onto the field to continue their merciless ass-whoopin’. We were standing up in a ledge above the entrance cheering the players on when all of a sudden one of Miss W’s former heartbreaks, LilJon, makes an appearance. The first time we saw him before half time though, he looked harmless. He was bent over with his ass in the air attempting to gracefully pick up the mouth-guard that somehow popped out of his mouth. A sight that would never strike fear into one’s heart. But when we saw him the second time, I hardly even recalled who I was staring at. Maybe I was too distracted by the fact I was peeing my pants. I’ll never know. But I was scared shitless.

It's actually ironic. The first time I see him I'm peeing my pants out of joy because of this mouth-guard episode yet the second time I lay eyes on him, I'm peeing my pants out of fear.

LilJon walked slowly down through the gates, looked up, spotted the Miss W and just stared. Stared with the utmost focus and concentration, it was soul-chilling. I knew that if his mouth-guard popped out then, he would have ignored it this time and just stared. I was scared for my friend and was feeling rather uncomfortable myself. I had never seen a pair of eyes with such burning desire. LilJon stared her down as if she was the endzone and he would take extreme measures to achieve this touchdown. I'll just say that if Weronika was his mouth-guard, he would make sure she'd NEVER fall outta his mouth.

Then again, I could have completely misinterpreted this “glance” and perhaps he wanted nothing more than to inflict physical harm on her because she had previously broken his heart. Either way, I feared for Weronika’s personal safety and emotional well-being. LilJohn did not break this stare for at least ten seconds. I was waiting for him to scale the building with his pads and rubber mouth-guard. Let’ just say if a stare could kill, this Polish girl would be cookin’ her last Perogi.

He finally passed under us and we were both able to breath again. After we both discuss how incredibly uncomfortable that was, we walked around fully alert and avoided all mouth guards at all costs. Go Ducks.