Fudge Coma

We are here in Florence on vacation and it is taking a toll on my six pack otherwise known as my delusional six pack. A fudge coma occurs with one simple step: eat an amount of fudge equivalent to one’s body mass.  After you are done indulging to your heart’s content, the coma is only but seconds away. Your belly starts to ache due to the overwhelming amount of condensed milk in one’s system and then you delve into a deep, dark unconsciousness. You are unable to move as if you’re in fudge-induced paralysis. You lose all feeling in your limbs and the midsection becomes numb. The next day you are not hungry for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. But alas, the fudge cravings peak at their highest around 5:00pm and then the vicious cycle repeats itself once more. I have been in this comatose state for the last three days. Although they have been the best days of my life, I am never eating fudge again. Still waiting to regain movement in my limbs. Pray for me and my addiction. Thank you. 

Physical Therapist Trance

One day, I had the rare pleasure of accompany my mother to her occasional physical therapist appointment. No worries, she just experiences hip pain from time to time probably due to the last giant infant she gave birth to 12 years ago, my brother. The appointment was scheduled to be 45 minutes long and I was destined to wait that 45 minutes—luckily, I was equipped with my “Dating For Dummies” book (which is also clever advertising for one’s marital status).  However, I did not need to depend on my book for mere entertainment that afternoon for the waiting room proved to be a gold mine for people watching. Eugene truly has weirdos in every corner of its city, even physical therapist waiting rooms.  As I sat there engrossed in the third chapter of my book entitled, “Playing Hard to Get,” I felt a pair of eyes ogling me.  I looked up, hesitantly, to meet them and regretted that decision immediately.

 What I saw that day in that modest waiting room will haunt me forevermore, like when my father strolls around in his revealing whitey-tighties. A bearded man, with the hygienic appearance of a hippy, was hunched over in the fetal position, hands over his knees, and his eyes were focused on me and my innocent book. He began to gyrate his knees with his hands in a circular motion, which is fine, but all the while, he was STILL staring at me. Naturally, averted my eyes so as to not fall into this hypnotic knee-trance. But it was too mesmerizing and I could not look away, so I held my book in front of my face and each time I took it down a smidge to peek, he was still gyrating and STARING. This lasted for what seemed forever. Definitely the longest two minutes of my life. The stare was so intense and so focused I was afraid he was going to notice the book I was reading and have me touch his very loose knees. But, alas, he finally disappeared after the sixth time I peeked from hiding.  I will never forget the bearded man with the gyrating knees and have added that hypnotic move to my dancing repertoire.  Thank you.